How to Squeeze Blood from a Copywriter

True story:

Not too long ago I was approached by a marketer who had a product idea -- just the idea mind you.

And he wanted to hire me to develop it... market it... sell it... and everything in-between.The reason being -- he didn't have the time to do it himself.

My first thought was... now here's a man after my own heart -- lazy as the day is long, and dying to be rich and famous without lifting a finger.

Seriously, if I could take a pill to give me muscles like the Governator's (in his prime)... play tennis like Federer... and attract women like Pitt -- I'd order a life-time supply as fast as yesterday!

Anyway, I was up for the challenge... even though there are more than enough products like his already on the market (which is actually a good thing).

So... I cracked open my secret black book of sales and marketing pros and considered which "Mission Impossible Team" would be perfect to attack this beachhead.

Then, I sent the marketer my proposal... including my fee.

He was totally impressed. He told me I had brass balls (I think that was a compliment)... and then told me to get real.

He said he already had copywriters lined up to do it all for under $2,000 -- flat fee, no percentage.

Yeah, right!

But, you know what... I bet he can find a copywriter to do it all for under $2,000 -- and, boy, what a job he'll do -- he'll even throw in the Brooklyn Bridge and shares of Enron at no extra charge!

Anyway, I checked back with him a few weeks later, and asked how the project was coming along... and... heh, heh... he still hadn't hired a copywriter.

Moral of the story (sorta)... you can hire a copywriter to do practically anything for you... but if you're not willing to pay the price for delegation, abdication and sloth -- better to work together, following these simple "save money and make money" guidelines:

Ask Not What a Copywriter Can Do for You—Ask What You Can Do for Your Copywriter!

As Hemmingway said, writing is easy... all you've got to do is open a vein and bleed all over the page.

And yet, copywriters are actually more than just writers, they're... ta dah!... Super Salesmen!

Copywriters aren't hired to entertain, or dazzle the reader with unparalleled wordsmithing...

They're hired to sell the client's product (or generate a qualified lead).

And if they can't do that -- it doesn't matter if they can write a poem like Frost, a play like Shakespeare, a thriller like King or a humor column like Barry (not me, the other Barry, Dave Barry).

But... if they can sell in print -- does it matter if they employ broken English, fragmented sentences or any other type of grammatically dysfunctional construction, intentionally or not?

The only measure of a copywriter's talent... is how much and how fast he can sell his client's product!

But... since the product is not the copywriter's brainchild... he neither conceived it, nurtured it in its embryonic stages, delivered it into actuality nor surrounded it with a supportive family... that's never an easy thing to do (to sell to a stranger off the page and for maximum dollars, too!)

So he needs your help.

He needs research... background and market info, access to data and the ability to conduct interviews, etc. Indeed, there are tens of questions that need to be answered.

(For a comprehensive list of questions that always need to be answered, click here http://www.writingwithpersonality.com/questions.html)

Now, as the baby's parents, aka the marketer, you can leave the copywriter to discover all the answers on his own.

But first understand one thing -- a copywriter typically makes a living by selling time -- his time. And time equals writing, which equals money.

So if he has to spend time doing research -- he ain't writing, and therefore he ain't making money.

So in light of that, copywriters will charge for research (it's factored into your over-all cost -- that's why you'll never get a separate bill).

And, depending on the complexity of the product and the intricacies of your targeted market -- plus, the amount of research the copywriter must do on his own -- research can be quite expensive (regardless of whether the copywriter does the research himself or hires someone to do it for him).

Now a good copywriter is fairly expensive to begin with. A-level copywriters can command a $25,000 advance plus 10% of gross sales, minus fulfillment costs.

So unless you've got a bottomless bank account... well... need I say more?

The other option, of course, is for you to provide the copywriter with the research he needs to get the job done (which is to quickly make you a whole bunch of money).

Now, most marketers obviously opt for this latter approach -- but, unfortunately, in a very casual, hap-hazard fashion.

Don't Short-Change Yourself by Short-Changing Your Copywriter

Too many marketers feel they're doing a copywriter a favor by providing research.

They'll give the copywriter... oh, about five minutes of their time.

They'll send him an email with a bunch of URLs to investigate, a couple of sentences about their target market, and a couple of words about the benefits and features of the product (though most times they get the two confused).

And then they'll end by saying that they're always available to answer any further questions... just call.

Needless to say... this isn't much help to a copywriter -- and that's why typical turnaround time for the completion of a copywriting project is often quoted in weeks if not months.

Experienced and successful marketers, on the other hand, those in tune with the rigors and demands of writing a money-pulling promotion -- and who, quite frequently, wrote copy themselves -- will send a FedEx box packed with collateral and emails filled with megs and megs of info and data.

After all, you can never send too much background research to a copywriter.

In fact, I would estimate that the success of any promotion is directly proportional (times ten) to the depth of research done on the product and the targeted market.

Furthermore... you should recognize that the ability to conduct research is a talent in and of itself -- a talent which many copywriters do not possess.

So my advice is this: share the hours, if not years of information, wisdom and knowledge you acquired while growing your business and developing your product -- however much effort it may require.

And if you do this... your copywriter will not hesitate -- indeed, he'll be empowered -- to open a vein and pour his blood, sweat, and money-sucking talent on to the page for you -- just to make you rich.

--Barry

You Won't Sell Squat Without This in Your Sales Copy...

Great! You've invented a better mouse trap. You're the smartest consultant advisor, guru ever to pick up a microphone and wear shoes. You've figured out how to turn chicken feathers into gold, toilet water into oil, and the Sunday paper into a stack of $100 bills!

And now you want to offer the results of your genius to the world—and, of course, you won't object if you become stinking rich in the process.

So, you immediately hire a web designer, you hire a copywriter from Elance (ugh!), you run a Google Adwords campaign, you mail 1 million "lumpy" packages (thee dimensional mailers) to every zip code in your state, you place three TV commercials on Oprah, and you climb the tallest building in town and you bark at the moon...

And then... you wait... and wait... and then a small trickle of orders comes in... and then, they stop...

So you hire a PR firm, and then another copywriter, this time from ODesk (ugh again!)... and you Twitter and blog, and you join Facebook and MySpace and post ads on other people's websites and in glossy magazines...

And then, in desperation, you lower your price...

And again you wait... and wait... until you're out of money, you're divorced, you no longer have a bed to sleep in, a pot to piss in, and the dog won't come when you call him...

And so... you go back to whatever it was you were doing, before you were brilliant...

And the world lives on in ignorance, ugliness and poverty... all because you forgot to provide...

Proof!

What kind of proof? Social proof!

Say what...?

Do you know why Web 2.0, inter-activity, connectivity, user forums, customer reviews, customer interaction, and a ton of other old, new and reborn innovations that basically have the same purpose and benefit (transparency), works like gangbusters for marketers, sucking in the money...?

Because no one wants to believe you—because you're the marketer—because you're trying to sell them something—because you're trying to take their money—because all marketers are scammers, con-artists and liars (just don't take it personally).

Yet, they'll trust and believe absolute strangers who state in your sales copy, on your forum, in your infomercial, in a case study, and amongst themselves... that your miracle product helped them grow hair, lose weight, get rich, get healthy, and shape-shift into Angelina Jolie over night!

Third-party endorsements work, too!

But if you can't get the Surgeon General, the FDA, FAA, ASPCA, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, or Jennifer Simpson to endorse your product—get Mr. and Mrs. Consumer's virtual next door neighbor to write you a testimonial.

It's called Social Proof!

People who have used your product—and who have provided you with a glowing and publishable testimonial will help make you rich!

But not letters from your mother!

"I really liked your product. I'm very happy. Thank you so much. You're great, and you photograph really nice." – JB

If you think that's a testimonial... go walk the dog before he messes on your rug.

Specificity sells—especially in testimonials.

"In just one day your advanced formula Prostate Shrinker increased my urine flow by 86% and the size of my erection by seven inches—and now ol' Henry is so hard I can break a pile of bricks with it! And, I've also got two new girlfriends. Shawna is 27 years old and Megan is 23. Not bad for an 86 year old, huh! And it's all due to your advanced formula Prostrate Shrinker. And last week I also won the PowerBall Lottery. I won $52 Billion! Thanks Prostate Shrinker!" – Dr. John Holmstead, retired urologist, Rapid City, IA

Now that's a testimonial! (But it's gotta be true—and not written by you!)

Consumers are bombarded with sales pitches morning, noon and night. By one estimate, the average consumer sees over 30,000 advertisements, in one form or another, during the course of a day. Granted, only a handful are registered on the brain and vaguely remembered.

Nevertheless, consumers today are jaded, cynical, skeptical, and right now they’re running pretty low on money. And because there's nothing new under the sun, the only way you'll convince them to buy Brand X (especially sight unseen) from you... is to present them with glowing recommendations from regular people, just like them, who have absolutely nothing to gain by touting the success of your product or service.

So if you don't have testimonials—a bus load of them—go get 'em before you start barking at the moon.

--Barry

How to Sell to the Rich – Part 4

There are only two types of products in this world: need to have products, and want to have products.

Need to have products are the typical staples of life: food, clothing, a roof over one's head, a car, a lover on the side (no, just kidding).

Want to have products are, by definition, products you don't need to have: caviar, an Armani wardrobe, a 24-room mansion, a Lamborghini in the garage, two or more lovers on the side.

Now, for the most part, the rich really don’t need anything, but the list of what they want is nearly endless.

By the way, how you go about selling the staff of life (need to have products) versus how you go about selling the frills and adornments of the good-life (want to have products), from a tactical and strategic perspective, is distinctly different, and a subject for another post.

Nonetheless, how would you, as a marketer, go about selling to the rich... a pair of scissors made of 24kt gold?

Now scissors are, by and large, a need to have product. And your market research has already determined that there is a large and viable market for a pair of quality shears.

But you're looking to sell to the rich – and you want to sell them shears made of 24kt gold – something they clearly don't need, and probably don’t want. Yet, you've got a warehouse filled with enough gold to make Fort Knox look like a run down trailer park.

So how do you sell a pair of 24kt gold scissors to the rich?

Would your marketing efforts tout the quality of the scissor cut, the durability of the blades, its ease of use, etc. etc.?

No. Scissors are scissors. Okay, some are better than others, and some cost more than others.

But who the hell in their right mind needs a pair of scissors make of 24kt gold that cost more than a mortgage payment? The rich, who else!

But wait... do they need it? No, of course not. Do they want it... well, a lot of what the rich will buy are items that they don't need or want – at least not at first.

Sure, it's easy to sell the rich on a private Mediterranean cruise, dinner at 5-star restaurant, jewelry from Tiffany's.

But what if they never heard of your product, or it has no immediate, intrinsic or universal cache...

So, how do you sell a pair of scissors made of 24kt gold – or anything for that matter – to the rich?

The answer is in the next and final post of this series... so stay tuned.

--Barry

How to Sell to the Rich – Part 3

An excellent contribution was added to my last post by a devoted commentator (she, who thinks I'm a moron. Actually, she says my logic is moronic – not me. But since my logic defines me, I must therefore be, ipso facto, a moron. How do you like that – she's actually got me calling me a moron! Sheesh!)

Anyway, she made a good point – no, not about me being a moron, but rather about reading Dale Carnegie's seminal opus: "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

Now listen, what I'm about to say will probably generate some death threats, but the truth (my truth) must win out. Dale Carnegie's book, written in the early years of the 20th century has more benefit and uncluttered, straightforward, eternal wisdom in its few pages than any bible, holy book of any religion, past or present. (Yeah, yeah, blasphemy, I know – now get over it and continue reading.)

Everyone, not just marketers, but every human being should read it – numerous times – and commit it to memory.

And clearly, for our topical purposes – selling to the rich – it rings no less true or valuable.

Live by the words written in this book, and not only will you be able to sell to the rich, but you will succeed in any and every endeavor you set before yourself.

By living a life – and conducting business – in conformity with the principals it elucidates, 28 of which I briefly quote below, you will succeed in life and sell to the rich.

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Arouse in the other person an eager want

Become genuinely interested in other people

Smile

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

Begin in a friendly way

Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

Appeal to the nobler motives

Dramatize your idea

Throw down a challenge

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

Ask questions instead of giving orders

Let the other person save face

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

More to follow...

--Barry

Why Stretching Will Kill Your Sales

I'm a tennis fanatic—my whole family is. I'm a 4.0, my wife is a 3.5, (those are USTA rankings) and my daughter plays on her HS tennis team.

If a tennis match is being broadcast on the Tennis Channel, ESPN or FSN, life comes to an immediate standstill in my house. The dishes are left in the sink, laundry doesn't get done, and the dog doesn't get walked (we just put him out in the backyard).

We play tennis (lessons, matches, tournaments) 3-5 times a week, and we'll rarely schedule a vacation during the "slams" (Australian, French, US Opens and Wimbledon).

And yes, I want to have Roger Federer's baby.

Okay, you get the point.

Now recently it's been promulgated by physical trainers that tennis players, and presumably all athletes and weekend warriors, should not stretch before exercising, playing, competing, etc.

I'm not going to get into all the reasons why, or when you should actually do your stretching. Suffice it to say, stretching is detrimental to your health if it's the first thing you do before exerting yourself in any physical endeavor.

And I find it so interesting that the same prohibition also applies to, yup, marketers!

Stretching before presenting an offer will hurt a marketer's back-end (sales, that is) and...

It'll kill cash flow

Here's why...

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). The entire developed world has it. And I'm not slighting those who are clinically diagnosed (though there seems to be some debate as to whether it really is a true medical disorder).

Nonetheless, because of technology, ambition, opportunity, cost-of-living and a myriad of other reasons—the most valuable, transitory, easily depleted, irreplaceable resource that can be neither seen, touched, smelled or heard—is time.

No one has a wealth of time, just a constantly growing deficit.

Therefore, as a marketer, if you don't grab your prospect's and customer's attention immediately with a compelling and captivating offer—the odds of making a sale is about the same as me turning off the TV when Roger Federer is playing.

And yet, if there is one affliction most marketers suffer from—it's Speed Deficit Disorder (SDD)

They don't get to the point—quick enough!

Every communication you have with your market, even if it's not sale-related—has to be clearly discernable and understandable, online and off, "above the fold". There's no time to warm-up and stretch.

And I'm not just talking about your headline—which is a whole 'nother topic. But even your headlines have to be clear and direct; they can't be cute or obtuse. A headline must possess all or most of the 4 U's: it has to be Useful, Urgent, Ultra-specific and Unique.

What I'm talking about here though, is your first sentence, your first paragraph—after your headline.

In every promotion, right from the get-go, you've got to tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em, before you tell 'em anything else.

No one's dying to hear from you

So don't go strutting through cyberspace and customer's mailboxes like a peacock with no sense of purpose or direction.

After all, you're asking for someone's time. Many parents will give up their children before they'll sacrifice their time—that's why there's day care centers, latch-key kids, and sociopathic, homicidal, high-school gun-slingers (don't get me started on the lack of quality family time).

Waste your target market's time often enough, and your emails and direct mail will be deleted and discarded before they're opened—same goes for your website.

I don't know how many times I've arrived at a website and wasn't sure I was in the right place—'cause I couldn't immediately see what they do, what service they provide or what products they sell—and I didn’t have the time to find out.

If you could sell time—you'd make a fortune. In the meantime, whatever you're selling will cost time—at the outset.

So don't beat about the bush. Don’t build a warm and fuzzy nest in which to lay an egg—present the bird, already cooked and ready to be eaten.

Then, if you think it will help grease the slide, you can talk about the weather, where you went to college, the boil on your uncle's butt—or whatever you think will float your market's boat.

Learn from my mistake

If this article was a sales letter, I'll bet you a tennis bag and ten tennis racquets that I couldn't give away a Brinks truck filled with 24 karat gold bricks for $1—if that's what I was offering.

Why, because who in their right mind cares about, much less has time to consider, my tennis ranking, my tennis obsession or how I walk my dog. They'd stop reading after two or three sentences—they'd never get to the part where I offer to fill their living room with 10 tons of gold bricks for a measly buck!

But it's not a sales letter... and yet, it's still won't be read by many people—especially those not interested in tennis—because I took too long to make my point.

Sheesh! What a waste of my time!

How to Sell to the Rich – Part 2

I received some interesting comments about my last post.

It seems there are a few readers out there who are not marketers, either of the online or offline kind.

And they didn't agree with my contention that money brings happiness (and that more money brings more happiness).

And, that if you are ever to become a successful direct marketer – specifically, one who markets to the rich – you must first, as a priori, want with all your might – to be rich!

One reader went so far as to imply that I was a moron (ouch!)

Okay, so these dissenters probably either scanned the post or didn't fully understand it – and saw only what they wanted to see – an opportunity to disagree.

I mean, after all, how could anyone in their right mind ever disagree with anything I say? Sheesh!

And yet, for those who found wisdom, encouragement and entertainment in my audacious thoughts – you folks are obviously intuitive, brilliant, kind, generous and destined to become wildly rich and successful marketers!

As for the others, well, you're still welcome to continue to comment, disparage, disagree, and talk among yourselves.

Now let's move on... and sell to the rich.

To begin, let me ask you a few questions...

Would you go to your local supermarket to shop for a car? No, you wouldn't.

Would you enter an assisted-living facility to find a date (if you're young, single and not perverted)? No, you wouldn't.

Would you look to buy a country estate in an inner city ghetto? No, you wouldn't.

Would you expect to find wealthy buyers at a thrift store? Yes, absolutely! But would that be the first place you'd go to find them. No, it wouldn't.

Where do you find the rich?

Here's an old saying (how old, I don't know): to hunt elephants – you gotta go where the elephants are.

Similarly, if you're looking to sell to the rich—you gotta go where the rich are.

So get yourself invited to a black-tie soiree in the Hamptons, Bel-Aire, Aspen, Monte Carlo or any other venue where the rich congregate and indulge, and clink martinis.

Can't swing that? Okay then, settle down, and start doing some heavy-duty market research.

Placing the rich under a marketing microscope.

Your mission Mr. Phelps, if you chose to accept it, is to figure out what makes the rich tick – what makes them different from the other socio-economic classes.

Because of their "privilege", the rich will inevitably look at life differently, think differently and act differently than, well, you or me (provided you're as poor as me).

And know this, too, that among the rich there are different classes of rich.

There are the trust fund babies, the silver spoon elite, the old/new money immigrants, the nouveau rich, the fight and claw entrepreneurs who came up from poverty, and the $52 million red-neck lottery winners, etc., etc.

And within each class there are those with a distinct personality type: some are type A, others are type B, others are RH negative, and still others have a 1.0 alcohol level.

Important Note: You need to do this autopsy/exercise with any socio-economic group you choose to market to. Why? Because each group (read: your target market) will have a distinct modus operandi, life-outlook and preferred handshake.

And, most importantly, from a marketer's perspective, your target market will have a favored or preferred way of being approached and communicated with – one that will hopefully grease the slide (ease them into responding to your offer to buy).

And in that respect, the rich are no different from K-Mart shoppers.

And so the best marketing microscope for the job...

...Is you.

Huh? Okay, this goes back to what I said in the previous post...

You gotta want to become filthy rich to sell to the filthy rich.

Why? Because there is no better way to understand a rich man (read: target market) than to walk a mile in his Gucci's.

You've got to feel what he feels, think what he thinks, and do, as best you can, what he does. Why? So he will know and believe that you are just like him, and therefore can be trusted. Because you have the same sensibilities, problems and the same size alimony payments.

But do you really need to be rich to sell to the rich? No (though you will undoubtedly become rich if you successfully sell to the rich).

And yet, what you absolutely must do, if you are ever to successfully market to the rich – is love and admire them.

Why? Well, generally speaking, when you love and admire someone you will typically aspire to become more like them or, at the very least, emulate their behavior and share their values. And that is the ultimate proof of your commitment to their well-being.

And why is that so important?

Answer me this: how long do you think you would be in business, and how successful could you become, if you don't, love and care about your customers – if you look at them just as a mark to be exploited, as a dollar sign with legs?

More to follow...

How to Sell to the Rich—Part 1

If you haven't figured out by now that without money you cannot be happy—stop reading this right now, because I'll be wasting your time, and you'll be wasting mine if you leave me a numbing and spiritually-trite comment.

But, if you have a truly original and revolutionary thought about how poverty or moderate poverty or even lower-middle class poverty can be more up-lifting and satisfying than possessing more money than Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Donald Trump, et al... please, share your thoughts.

If not, then don't, because I don't want to hear how money can't buy happiness. Or how you don't have to be rich to be happy. Or how money is the root of all evil, etc., etc.

I've heard it all, and once believed it all, and said so, too.

And yet, if you're determined to bait my ire and fill cyberspace with rehashed blather—I suggest you first trade places with a homeless person for a week—and then tell me how happy you are to eat your meals from a restaurant dumpster, or sleep in a cardboard box in the freezing cold, or defecate in the street like a dog, and smell like one, too... or, how about you just can't pay your mortgage and are about to lose your home, or you child needs an operation and you don't have the money because your credit cards are maxed-out and your insurance provider won't cover the expense.

Listen, everyone wants more—needs more—desires more—and more is wholly dependent on more money. This is not Gordon Gecko speaking here about how greed is good. Greed is a pejorative term. Wealth and the accumulation of wealth, on the other hand, is a basic, laudable and inalienable human desire.

Those who would disagree are typically those who tried but could not achieve and satisfy that desire, and are now without—and are now trying to convince others, and themselves, they're better off for having failed or fallen short.

Unless you’re a tribesmen living in the forests of Borneo—you need money to be happy. Then again, the happiest Borneo tribesmen are probably the ones with the most goats or cows, or whatever has the highest fungible value within their society.

Furthermore, and more to the point, if you don’t believe everything I just said...

You ain't ever going to be a successful marketer!

If you're a marketer—online or off—and you don't have the highest degree of ambition to sell the most you can and thereby make the most money you can... you're going to fail miserably, and die poor—and not very happy.

So if you have no all-consuming ambition to succeed...then, right now, go out and get a 9-5er instead, watch TV at night, and live your life according to the maxim that ignorance is bliss.

Successful marketers need and thrive on high-octane ambition. Such ambition is the rarified fuel that drives and energizes them—and such ambition can only be sustained by a tenacious bull-doggedness—a never-say-die brand of commitment, dedication, and perseverance—that inevitably leads to a hell of a lot of hard work, sleepless nights and tested relationships.

All for the pride of achievement! Winning! And its natural consequence—living and retiring with more money than one can ever hope to spend!

So who cares if you can't take it with you—you're not supposed to. Whatever is left over in the kitty when your time comes... you're supposed to give to your kids, your spouse, your siblings, charity, a neighbor—any person or institution who you've loved and or appreciated—and care to make happy in turn.

Sure, some people with the requisite ambition don't make it all the way to the top—but that's okay. At least they're trying, or died trying. And in the end, if they honored their ambition with an ethical and moral effort, they'll have no regrets—and a lot of great and noble memories.

And if they finish only half way up the mountain—they're still far better off, and happier, than those slaving at the bottom in the muck and the mire.

If you think I'm denigrating the unfortunate and the less able in society—then you're missing the point.

What is the point?

If you're going to sell to the rich (yes, I'm following up on my previous post)— you first gotta want to be rich, filthy rich—just like them.

Why? How? Still more to come... so stay tuned.

When all else fails, sell to these people... they're always ready to buy...

Is the recession killing your sales? Are your websites racking up less and less unique hits? Are buyers just not buying?

Well, I've got news for you. If you think money is scarce and people are not willing to fork over the big bucks...

...you're not marketing to the one recession-proof, always ready, willing and able-to-spend demographic: the Rich!

Listen, my wife works part-time at a Four Season resort.

CEO Izzy Sharp (we're old buds, that's why I get to call him Izzy and not Isadore) recently distributed a letter to all employees. Along with announcing that billionaires Bill Gates and Saudi Prince Alwaleed (I'll spare you his full name) had just bought the company, and are taking it private, he disclosed a startling piece of information.

In three Four Seasons Hotels last year, guests spent on average, $1,000 a night!

That's right, every single day of the year in 2007, guests spent an average of $1,000—on everything from room, food and incidentals! All this while the stock market tanked, average consumers supposedly weren't spending, people were getting laid off and the economy was in a recession.

Okay, so you're saying to yourself that was just the Four Seasons. Well, I'm not privy to the Ritz Carlton and all other 5-star hotel numbers—or those hotels that averaged a $800 a night spend—or those stores and companies, online and off, whose customers spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on a single purchase—regularly!

The point is: the rich are not an anomaly. They exist, and their ranks are growing. There are more millionaires now than ever before in history. Saying someone is a millionaire no longer carries the cache it once did—it's no longer an exclusive and unapproachable demographic.

Millionaires are all around us—you probably know a couple handfuls already.

Even half-millionaires count! How many shiny new BMW's and Benz's do you see on the road with temporary license plates? Too damn many if you ask me—but I'm just jealous.

Listen, these people, the rich that is, will never stop buying—as long as they're making money (typically by selling their products and services to the equally rich and richer).

So grab a piece of the action—and join the club!

But you say your product or service doesn't appeal to the rich. Well, why not? Update it, change it, enhance it, add value to it—make it bigger, better, and charge more for it!

People will always believe that if an item has a higher ticket price it has to be worth it—that it has to do a better job than a lower priced item that does the exact same job. It's a matter of human psychology—so use it to your advantage. Market and sell to the rich!

How?

To be continued...

Dying for Bigger Boobs!

Have you heard about the 18 year old girl in Boca Raton, Florida, who died from complications from a boob job?

Yes, tragic, unfortunate, and I'm shedding crocodile tears, no doubt. And yet, if it had happened to my teenage daughter—I'd be a mess—forever! But then, I wouldn't have allowed her get a boob job in the first place!

Listen, I've got nothing against boob jobs—believe me, I don't. But what the hell were her parent's thinking?

Why permit an 18 year old girl, a high school cheerleader (the media reports she wanted to be a doctor when she grew-up—as if to add some intellectual heft to her profile, and that she just wasn't a female version of Shallow Hal) get sculpted, nicked and cut—as if doing so were no different than getting braces.

After all, you need your teeth to chew, and yes there is the issue of appearance, smile, etc.. But tits—for a kid?

Okay, you want bigger knockers? Fine, finish college and pay for them yourself. That's my answer.

Wondering what this has to do with marketing? A lot! But first let me continue with my rant.

What kind of a lesson in values, self-worth and pride of accomplishment had they been teaching their daughter? That without a good pair of jugs—she'd be nothing in this world—of no value to anyone—not herself or her friends? That life's not worth living without beautiful melons?

Ever heard of Boca Raton? Well, there's part of the problem. It's another one of those flashy, wealthy small city/suburbs that dot the American map, where the amount of money you purport to possess is directly related to your self-esteem, self-image and social acceptance. Like Beverly Hills in California for example, and the Hamptons in New York. Practically every city has one of them nearby. You can probably name one near you.

These are cities where leased BMWs, Ferrari's, Lamborghinis and Aston Martins are driven by unemployed people.

Naturally, (and I say naturally for a good marketing reason), these cities attract a huge proportion of starry-eyed wannabees, air-heads, dead-beats and other parasitic-dreamers looking for a fast, easy, soft and comfortable float on a magic carpet ride.

As a side note, I think Boca Raton has the highest ratio of plastic surgeons per capita of any city in America. There's enough silicone, saline and Botox jiggling down the roads of Boca to cause a Hazmat team to run for the hills. I know, I used to live in South Florida. And I have family and friends who live in Boca. In fact, I'm headed there in three weeks.

Boca is a sun-drenched metaphor for where marketing and life meet at the crossroads of money and desire.

Okay, enough with the cynicism and the rant...on to the marketing lesson.

There are 12 eternal human desires that every marketer should know.

1. Money
2. Improved Appearance
3. Security in Old Age
4. Leisure
5. Comfort
6. Proof of Accomplishment
7. Increased Enjoyment
8. Self-Confidence
9. Popularity
10. Praise
11. Time
12. Health

Every human being walking the earth wants at least one of these 12 things.

It's your duty as a marketer to figure out how many of these 12 desires your target market values above all else!

Because it's not the features of your product that will compel your market buy, but rather the fulfillment of these desires.

Show how your product will help your prospects achieve their desires—and your product, your service—is as good as sold.

And now, just for fun—name the desires the stereo-typical Boca Raton denizen values above all else. Need a hint: think boobs.

Every successful marketer must have this...

No, it’s not a product.

You don’t need to invent, design or develop a product to be a marketing success.

You can sell other people’s products—as an affiliate marketer.

But that’s still isn’t enough.

You don’t need a library full of marketing books or an MBA, though it wouldn’t hurt (well, the MBA might, but not the books).

You may be an unread, uneducated dolt and a monumental bore at a party, and yet you may have an unbelievably intuitive understanding of what it takes to quickly persuade and sell ice cubes to an Eskimo.

But if you’re missing this one thing, you’ll still never be a success.

You may be a master at SEO, designing websites, adding video, and every Web 2.0 trick of the trade out there to your thousands of websites. And you may have enough money in the bank to run thousands of pay-per-click campaigns...

But you’ll never be a marketing wunderkind—you’ll never make a 6 or 7 figure income as a marketer, if you don’t have this one crucial, absolutely vital thing...

A list.

No, not a list of things to do, or buy.

A list of names.

No, not any names. Not names from the yellow pages, not names from a “compiled list” sold by a list broker—but a list of names of people who are hungry, who are absolutely dying to buy what you are selling.

Without a list of such hungry buyers, the best product ever invented, ever marketed by the most cash-flush marketing organization ever built—will go unsold.

And where do you easily and quickly find such a list—how do you cultivate such a list?

It should be right under your nose—it better be right under your nose.

It’s your house list, your customer file. It’s the names of people who have bought from you before.

Such a list is worth more than ten times its weight in gold—it’s more valuable than any product ever invented and sold.

Why? Because you’ve already successfully marketed to and sold these people—on you.

You don’t have to convince them again, though it wouldn’t hurt to remind them, that you can be trusted, that what you offer is of great value. They know it—they’ve experienced it and they want more.

With a house list your entire organization, your entire inventory of products can go up in smoke—but you won’t go out of business. So long as you have these names, you can dust off the ashes and get right back to the business of marketing and selling.

Without such a list, you’ve got to start from scratch, all over again.

How do you easily compile such a list, if you don’t have one already and never sold anything before...?

Stay tuned.

Warning to Direct Marketers: Asking These Questions Will Kill Your Conversions

For those marketers who labor tirelessly, though fruitlessly, oblivious to marketing history, and unversed in copy that brings home the bacon—please take note: this article is for you.

To begin...

One of the most famous questions ever asked in an ad was penned almost a century ago by copywriting legend Maxwell Sackheim. It read:

Do you make these mistakes in English?

It was the headline for an ad that sold a rather pedestrian mail-order language course.

Yet it worked so well—pulling in so much money—the company who owned it, continued to run it for 40 long and successful years!

To be sure, a myriad of other headlines were tested, all using the same body copy, before that now famous winner was discovered.

One competing headline even read: Do you make mistakes in English? Certainly close enough, you would think. But it failed miserably, as did all others.

It was only when that seemingly innocuous word “these” was finally inserted, that direct marketing history was made—and a lesson for direct marketers was learned.

Well, some endeavored to learn it, most never tried. They merely copied its form, without understanding why it worked so well.

Even today, you’ll see that same headline in its innumerable permutations:

•Do you make these seven tactical mistakes on a first date?

•Do you make these errors when doing your own taxes?

•Do you make these blunders every time you write your own copy?

So on and so forth.

These copycat headlines will actually work... at least for a short while (particularly with those consumers who don’t get out very often).

But as with most formulaic copy, it’s soon recognized as a trite, clichéd, over-used and unimaginative pitch that screams: Hey, look! Here’s my ad!

Nevertheless, the question remains....

Can asking a question in an ad increase sales?

Some will argue vehemently that the use of a question is a non-starter, a pre-ordained copywriting disaster.

Craig Huey, founder and president of the award-winning Creative Direct Marketing Group, a direct marketing advertising agency, and for whom I’ve written numerous promotions, froths at the site of a question in sales copy. (He’s faithfully crossed out every one from my submitted drafts.)

Nevertheless, a question is a tool. And as with any tool, any copywriting strategy or tactic, if a question is not formulated and handled with proper caution, it could indeed do immeasurably more harm than good.

Well, let me correct that: if you’re a direct marketer who tests you can measure precisely how much harm a poorly phrased question will do... or how well a good one will convert.

The secret to constructing a well-built, hard-working, money-sucking question

For Max Sackheim the secret sauce in his brilliant question was intrigue and curiosity, both of which were lacking in: Do you make mistakes in English?

Understand, that question failed because it was a yes or no question—and a yes or no question should never (with qualifications) be asked in sales copy.

Why? Because either of the two possible answers, yes or no, will effectively end the conversation you’re trying to conduct with the reader.

I’ll explain...

If the answer to a question—especially one in your headline—is no, the reader will assume there’s no further reason to continue reading your letter. In other words, you asked, I answered, now good-bye.

Similarly, if the answer is yes, the reader responds with a big: Yeah, so? (And again, he’s gone.)

A yes/no question does not sink the barbed hook in the fish’s mouth (not that I’m equating consumers with a large or small mouth bass).

Why then “these”?

By inserting the word “these” in his headline, Sackheim prevented the reader from answering yes or no.

And, because the reader didn’t know what “these mistakes” were, he had to keep reading in order to find out. And that was the key to the ad’s success.

Because the first objective of any sales copy, from the headline on down, is to compel the reader to keep reading. Otherwise, how else will you get the chance to prove your product’s worth—and ask for the order?

Never give the reader time to think about the answer

It’s dangerous—for you as a marketer.

You want to do all the thinking, and answering, for the reader. You want to direct the conversation and provide the conclusions—always!

For example, if you ask a question that doesn’t either hint or overtly state that the answer will only be revealed by reading further, sorta like in these questions:

•How many times a day do you dream of becoming rich?

•When are you finally going to tell your boss to take this job and shove it?

•How much money have you lost in the stock market this year?

You’re, in effect, asking the reader to step away from your ad and discover the answer elsewhere (either in his own thoughts and musings, on his hard drive, or in the file cabinet in the attic).

In any event, he’s distracted. You’ve lost his attention, you’ve broken the connection—you’ve pulled the plug!

For an ad to be successful, it can never be laid aside. It must be read in its entirety with rapt attention, growing interest, and compelling desire.

But, since there are exceptions to all rules...

This is the only time answering “yes” to a question will move a sales conversation forward—and not end it

Now this is rather advanced stuff (so don’t try this at home, you could hurt yourself)...

Nonetheless, if you can pose a question—numerous questions, in fact—in such a way, where you know, and want, the answer to always be yes...

You will be leading the reader by the eyeballs into a state of blissful acceptance—of your argument or contention—and ultimately of your offer.

I’ll explain...

If your question is more or less rhetorical—where you and the reader know the answer is yes, sorta like in these questions:

•You know that Big Pharma has the FDA in its pocket, right?

•Couldn’t you use an extra $10,000—tax-free—in your bank account starting tomorrow?

•Wouldn’t you like to be your own boss, and never have to answer to anyone else again—while doubling your income?

You’re, in effect, positioning yourself as the reader’s good buddy, his wise and magnanimous advocate (well, kinda).

In any event, you’re agreeing with him, and prompting him to agree with you. You’re standing beside him, confirming his deepest beliefs and/or suspicions—and you’re hurling rocks at his enemies.

You’re bonding!

And so the more he answers yes to your “leading” questions—and to your similarly orchestrated statements and contentions—the more inclined he will be, by sheer force of habit if nothing else, to say “YES!” when you ask him to open his wallet and give you his credit card number.

Get it? Questions? Yes, no?

Is Your Business Scared of the Dark, Crying for its Mommy?

Most businesses talk a big game... with very small fonts.

They claim they offer the best, the first, the most, the biggest, the newest, the cheapest, the easiest, fastest, simplest this and that—and yet do it so quietly and inconspicuously, it’s almost apologetic.

In our oversaturated, jaded, disbelieving, cynical, recessionary economy and marketplace—most business behave like the annoying little children of a lost generation, who were admonished to be seen and not heard.

And yet, they’re not being seen, either.

Because they’re too scared to make an impression, afraid to attract attention, fearful of creating a buzz, petrified of taking a bold and brazen path to success.

Question: How often do marketers want to boost conversions, increase sales and improve their image?

Answer: All the time!

Problem: Most small and large companies—companies that hire image and branding ad agencies—companies that are do-it-yourselfers—sooner or later recognize that their marketing—and the copy on their website and in their direct mail promotions, is lame, uninspiring and a waste of money—like cold, runny gruel served by a state orphanage in a Charles Dickens novel.

So, as their time and money is about to run out... they finally realize what they must do:

They must attract, and interest their readers—as opposed to lull them to sleep.
They must create demand among their customers—as opposed to repel them.
They must drive their customers to action: to inquire, subscribe or buy—as opposed to forcing them to click away, delete or file.

So they’re willing to spend a little money (sometimes a lot of money) to hire a results-oriented marketing team—or a direct response copywriter—to finally get the money flowing...

Well, almost...

Booo!!!
Ahhh! Mommy, I’m scared!

A few words of advice: If you hire, let’s say, a copywriter, and pay him or her thousands of dollars to write, let’s say a micro-site, landing page, or a direct mail package 4-8 pages long, or longer...

...And weeks or months later, he or she hands you sales copy that glitters and shines like the best of Halbert, Carlton, Makepeace, Schwartz and others combined... why would you second guess their ability to bring you fresh eyeballs and gobs of money?

Case in point: A marketer once contracted with me to write a landing page. He complained that his landing page, which he wrote, received hundreds of hits a day—but only converted one or two visitors a week!

So, I wrote and delivered a brand-spanking new, hard-hitting landing page. And I provided three headline panels for him to test—to unequivocally determine which will draw the highest response.

But did he test any of them? No, of course not!

Instead, he decided, after much consideration and consternation, to write the headline himself, again.

He explained that the three headlines I wrote were really, really good, but... he was “afraid” that they were, “uh, well... too aggressive”, and he was, “uh, well... afraid that they might turn-off” his prospective clients.

Now, did I presume to tell him that his preferences, prejudices, and fears may not be shared by his target market? Sure I did!

And did I tell him that his prospective clients were already turned off by the drivel he wrote previously—and will continue to be turned off by his new and updated drivel? You bet I did not—I’m not that cruel and heartless!

But did I grill him about the demographics, psychographics, the needs, wants, beliefs, and the language his market uses? You betcha! And I did it all before I wrote a word of copy.

So did the client finally agree to test my headlines, as I reasonably urged him to? No, of course not. He held firm, stood by his beliefs. Good for him!

And now, months later, his landing page—his business—is nowhere to be found on the web. Ya’ think he folded-up shop? Ya’ think!

Frankly, this scenario, has repeated itself all too frequently, in both my and other copywriters professional lifetime.

Now... let me ask you this...

Does your business suffer from penis envy?

A few words of advice: If you think you’re small... you’re small. And if you think you’re big...you’re big.

And if you’re small, and want to be bigger... don’t obsess over what nobody is even thinking about—or looking at.

Case in point: A marketer, a one-person operation, contracted with me to write an online sales letter—“...oh, you know, like those long scrolling sales letters those info-marketers use,” he tells me.

No problem. Project is completed on time, test panels are provided.

But, he decides he doesn’t need to test. He just goes ahead and picks the headline and deck that he “knows” will be the best performer. Fine, whatever.

And then he does something else (I discover, after the fact)... something really strange. He deletes the salutation at the beginning of the letter, and the signature and P.S. at the end—plus, all mention of his name and credentials.

Why? Because he’s “afraid” that visitors will think he’s a one-person operation, and he wants to present himself as a big multi-employee company.

Do I explain that people like to read letters, online or otherwise, from other people and not big, faceless companies... and that his service in particular needs to bond on a one-to-one, personal level with the readers?

Do I also tell him that even, oh, you know, those big, successful info-marketers (with tens if not hundreds of employees) start their online letters with “Dear someone or other” and then sign their letters, and add a PS or two, or three? Of course, I do! Does he listen? Does he care? Noooo, of course not!

And off into the dark, faceless and nameless gloom he sailed.

And frankly, this scenario too, has repeated itself all too frequently, in both my and other copywriter’s professional lifetime.

Being obnoxious can be wonderful for your bottom line

A few words of advice: Marketing and sales is not about good manners, proper etiquette, good form or a proper up-bringing—that is, not in the Emily Post sense of the world. Because marketing and sales, online and off is a world apart. It has its own rules, its own manners, etiquette and good form.

And rockin’ the boat is quiet often the best thing a marketer can do.

So if burpin’ at the table and pickin’ boogers increases sales—then hell’s bells, boys and girls—burp and pick! Or at least give it a shot, and test...

Case in point: An established marketer of computer software asked if I could write a landing page for one of their products. As in the previous example, their current page was getting a fair amount of hits, but it wasn’t converting.

And it was easy to see why. The sales copy read like an instruction manual, and the design and layout of the web page was as smelly and un-appetizing as two-week old road-kill.

So I said, sure, I can write the copy for you...and would you like me to recommend a web designer?

“If you think it’ll help,” the marketing director said. And so I did.

Now, I know of quite a few direct response web designers with serious notches on their belt. They design for the biggest and most expensive direct response copywriters and the most successful internet marketers out there today. So if can get them to work with me, provided the client can afford them—it’s a no-brainer.

So I drew up a short list of designers and gave the marketing director the URL’s of some of their work—work they did for some of those aforementioned copywriters and internet marketers. And of course, I fully expected her to be overwhelmed by the magic they produced.

And she was, well, sort of...

She sent me an email exclaiming that these landing pages were the most obnoxious, loudest, garish landing pages she had ever seen. “They’re absolutely screaming at me!”

Did I write back that screaming can sometimes be a good thing, given proper and fitting circumstances (product and market, for example)? No I didn’t.

She wrote that if the style of copy on these web pages—and the type of design on these web pages--is what I recommend—well then, she’d rather work with someone else.

And she went on, writing rather gratuitously I think, that she was not willing to jeopardize the company’s corporate image on such an “informal, casual and cavalier marketing approach”. It would be “demeaning and insulting” to their clients and prospects.

Did I write back that she barely had any clients for her product? And that results are what count in marketing, not image—and that results help create and fortify an image? That in marketing the ends justifies the means? No, I didn’t.

I was showing good manners, proper etiquette, good form and a proper up-bringing... I merely deleted her email.